Living Life Like an Action Potential: All or Nothing.

After another long and busy week with business and I have found myself struggling with expectations again, but this time with myself.

I am a strict type-A personality with a lot of dreams I hope to fulfill in life. The problem with having so many dreams is the constant ups and downs that it produces. I am either up in the clouds on cloud nine, or I reside at the other end of the spectrum.

It is a dark place, that I believe a lot of us are familiar with. I envisage this place being a dark room. I reside here never accompanied, yet at war with my own thoughts. One question always prevails – am I good enough?

Is this societies doing? Or is this my own? We live in a world where we can see the most beautiful people at the touch of a button. We watch other people’s lives on social media, hoping that we amount to at least a glimmer of their success. We have access to the lives of the most wealthy, and I believe it is only natural to then question our own standing in life.

I had a conversation with one of my best friends about a year ago and he brought something to my attention that I had never really addressed. He exclaimed that I lived my life either at an 8 or a 9 out of ten, or at a 3 or a 4. I was never ‘okay’. I was either super happy or super sad.

Now just a disclaimer, this is not me trying to self-diagnose myself with Bi-polar, but it was something I had never really thought about.

But he was right.

I believe a lot of this stems from the expectations I place on myself every day. I want to hit 1,000 subscribers on YouTube. I want to make this clothing business a successful one. I want to graduate my MBA with a 4.0. I want to be accepted into a PhD program. When I hit these goals, I become momentarily happy. Often however, because of the difficulty of these goals, I am often found falling short. I take it personally. As much as I try not to base my success off of metrics, I have so many to choose from.

Did I make a sale today? Did I gain a subscriber today? Did I gain a follower on the Impower page? When I move forward, I am an 8 or 9. When I have a day that I stagnate, or even lose progress, it leaves me at a 3 or 4. It is something I have experienced my whole life. I am forever chasing the stars in hope that one day I make it, whatever ‘making it’ means.

I know this mindset troubles my family. They believe I will never be truly ‘happy’. But I enjoy the journey, so long as it is moving forward. For the most part it does, but there are always those days when my own expectations become too much or I fall short.

As I have progressed through life I have lost more and more people, and I still believe there are more to lose. I am not bitter towards anyone who has decided to leave my life, but the ones who have stayed I treasure even more now than ever. I understand I can be volatile. I understand I am not one to touch base with you every day. This is not because I do not love you. This is because I am striving for a life where I can provide for those who have stuck with me. For the most part I try an exhibit the 8 or 9 and hide my 3 or 4 the best I can.

I will fake it until I make it, and I fully intend on making it.

I live a polarized life; just like an action potential I am either all in or I’m not.

If you do decide to stick around, just be prepared for some incredible moments, but not without some low points too.

Published by jackwardale

Just a college kid trying to chase his dreams. Seeking to inspire and empower others.

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