After another long and busy week with business and I have found myself struggling with expectations again, but this time with myself.
I am a strict type-A personality with a lot of dreams I hope to fulfill in life. The problem with having so many dreams is the constant ups and downs that it produces. I am either up in the clouds on cloud nine, or I reside at the other end of the spectrum.
It is a dark place, that I believe a lot of us are familiar with. I envisage this place being a dark room. I reside here never accompanied, yet at war with my own thoughts. One question always prevails – am I good enough?
Is this societies doing? Or is this my own? We live in a world where we can see the most beautiful people at the touch of a button. We watch other people’s lives on social media, hoping that we amount to at least a glimmer of their success. We have access to the lives of the most wealthy, and I believe it is only natural to then question our own standing in life.
I had a conversation with one of my best friends about a year ago and he brought something to my attention that I had never really addressed. He exclaimed that I lived my life either at an 8 or a 9 out of ten, or at a 3 or a 4. I was never ‘okay’. I was either super happy or super sad.
Now just a disclaimer, this is not me trying to self-diagnose myself with Bi-polar, but it was something I had never really thought about.
But he was right.
I believe a lot of this stems from the expectations I place on myself every day. I want to hit 1,000 subscribers on YouTube. I want to make this clothing business a successful one. I want to graduate my MBA with a 4.0. I want to be accepted into a PhD program. When I hit these goals, I become momentarily happy. Often however, because of the difficulty of these goals, I am often found falling short. I take it personally. As much as I try not to base my success off of metrics, I have so many to choose from.
Did I make a sale today? Did I gain a subscriber today? Did I gain a follower on the Impower page? When I move forward, I am an 8 or 9. When I have a day that I stagnate, or even lose progress, it leaves me at a 3 or 4. It is something I have experienced my whole life. I am forever chasing the stars in hope that one day I make it, whatever ‘making it’ means.
I know this mindset troubles my family. They believe I will never be truly ‘happy’. But I enjoy the journey, so long as it is moving forward. For the most part it does, but there are always those days when my own expectations become too much or I fall short.
As I have progressed through life I have lost more and more people, and I still believe there are more to lose. I am not bitter towards anyone who has decided to leave my life, but the ones who have stayed I treasure even more now than ever. I understand I can be volatile. I understand I am not one to touch base with you every day. This is not because I do not love you. This is because I am striving for a life where I can provide for those who have stuck with me. For the most part I try an exhibit the 8 or 9 and hide my 3 or 4 the best I can.
I will fake it until I make it, and I fully intend on making it.
I live a polarized life; just like an action potential I am either all in or I’m not.
If you do decide to stick around, just be prepared for some incredible moments, but not without some low points too.